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Bip 4 1 4
26 May 2008 @ 09:55 pm
What an eventful weekend. On Saturday, I went to Tracy's graduation party in Boxford, MA. First off, let me just preface this by saying that everyone I work with in Manchester thought I had made up that town, because not a single person working in there had ever heard of it before. It was also a bitch and a half trying to find her house. But irregardless, Chris and I eventually found it. 10 or so beers later, I was feeling pretty good. Needless to say, it was the first time that I had been drinking since school was let out in early May. So even though it's been a few weeks, I was surprised at how quickly I got drunk. It was nice seeing everyone from the North Andover Starbucks, I've missed them all way too much. I was so glad me and Chris got to sleep on the couch, although we had already decided at the beginning of the night that if we didn't get a spot comfortable enough in the house we were just going to sleep in my car. I'm willing to ruin my liver, but not my back and my neck from sleeping on a hard floor. Last night, I went to Davis' house for the night. Just me and five guys sitting outside on his porch, smoking cigarettes and drinking Coors. It was a good time.

The more and more I examine it, people are changing all around me. People who I thought I could trust, are no longer there as much as I thought. I hate the fact that I invest so much in friendships and they sometimes go awry. I've had this happen to me in high school before, I swore to myself that I would never put myself in a situation where it could happen again. Too late, I guess. I've also come to the conclusion that there is no possible way for two people to stay happy with each other forever. (Not to quote Juno, but that seemed like the only appropriate way to put that last sentence.) I mean, think about it. You like someone, they like you back. It's all good and happy. But then, there's something about them that you despise; whether it be something big like the fact that they drink too much, or that they don't have a handle on their lives; to something small like the fact that they snore, or they laugh really weird. There comes a point in every relationship where you conjure up everything that you like and dislike about a person, whether it be something that you plan to do or not. Either way, you eventually decide, "ok, is it worth it to stick with this person?" I've had many times where I've put aside someone's flaws and/or the annoyances I have with them and said yes to that question. But more often than not, their answer has been the exact opposite. I preach to everyone around me that relationships are the definition of bullshit, and that people are better off without them, but I think that at the point where I am in my life, that's quite a negative outlook to be holding onto. I'm willing to put in the effort still, and it will take a hell of a lot more for me to change my mind about that, but I think that men will always be men...immature, obnoxious, and way more to handle than anyone should have to deal with. I can't help but love the grief that they give me, because the lessons I take away with me end up being worth more than I originally realize or are wanting to admit.

I've also decided that right now, I just need some time to myself. Working is my primary focus, and nothing else. I love catching up with the people at home, because they're the people that make me the strongest I can be, but at the same time, distancing myself can be so much easier sometimes. I'm not exactly happy right now, and that seems strange to me, because when I'm at home, I'm my best. I just wish that I didn't over analyze every little detail in my life so much, and that everything would just fall into place. Just once.

I go back to work tomorrow, and I'm working at night this week. No 5:30am shifts. Which kind of makes me sad, because I prefer those. Speaking of which, I found this online today...needless to say, it put quite a grin on my face.
Top 10 things I'd like to, but can't say to customers at Starbucks:
10) Ma'am, it's 11AM on Saturday morning, why do you
think it's busy?
9) God doesn't charge for water, we don't either.
8) I can hear you without the cell phone.
7) Yes, that is a grande
, we're not cheating you, there is NO conspiracy.
6) Are you kidding me?
5) To any group of 14 junior high schoolers, usually around 3:01PM, "We're out of frappucinno... hahaha. Just kidding."
4) Trust me, I'm a professional.
3) We heard you say "decaf" the first time.
2) How many "decaf quad venti sugar-free vanilla non-fat extra hot no foam with whip and caramel  lattes" do you
think were ordered in the last 45 seconds?
1) There's no A in "Venti."
 
 
Current Location: home.
Current Mood: blankblank
Current Music: Paramore
 
 
Bip 4 1 4
23 May 2008 @ 01:37 am
That's just great. Something that I need right now is DEFINITELY not lying. I mean, whatever, it's fine, I'm somewhat over the entire thing, but still. The sting remains. I'm not stupid, and everyone who is close to me knows that.

The thing with this situation is quite simple. I made plans to hang out with such said person that will go unnamed, oh, I don't know, about a week ago, and on the day (Wednesday) that we were supposed to hang out, she tells me that she wants to reschedule. Not a big deal, we'll hang out Friday, she says. It was for her birthday afterall, and I had the day off from work. I completely forgot about the entire situation. Until today. I log into facebook, and I glance at the newsfeed, and what do I see? She's been tagged in an album from the Cape. Keep in mind, that the Cape was her excuse OUT of our plans to hang out on Wednesday. HOWEVER, she told me that she was going to hang out with her best friend there. Was her friend anywhere to be seen in this album? Absolutely not. Was there a party in this album? Of course there was. With a girl, who, for some God forsaken reason, hates me. I know that that previous statement makes my ego out to be slightly larger than it should be, because who in their right mind would hate me, right!? However, that's not what I mean to say at all. I'm sure there ARE people who hate me, and their reasons are their own; I could care less. Such is the case with the girl who hangs out with the person I'm currently mad at. For some odd reason, this girl started despising me at the beginning of my sophomore year in college, and to this day, I still have yet to find the reason why. I know that this person knows why this other girl hates me, but she just won't tell me. I guess I sort of want to know, it would give me peace of mind. But I know that will never happen. I've sort of let go of THAT part of my life, and accepted the fact that I'll never be friends with that girl again. But after seeing those pictures online, I sort of lost it. I've been on the edge of things with my emotions as it is, whether it having to do with the finances in my life, or dealing with my break up with Jay. The thing that upsets me the most about this situation is that this person lied to me about why she was cancelling, and I went out my way to make time to hang out with her on her birthday. Not to mention I spent a lot of time on a card that I was planning on giving to her that day. But since I thought that we were hanging out on Friday and she had a legitimate excuse to postpone hanging out with me and her friend Amanda, I was fine with everything. But apparently, that wasn't enough, for she felt the need to lie straight to my face and go party with people that she obviously felt were more appropriate to celebrate her 20th with. Nichole, my rationale for every situation in my life (thank you, by the way), said that maybe it was a surprise party. For this girl's sake, I hope it was. Not only was this a blow to my feelings, but I also don't trust her as much as I used to. Brandon and Calvin have both warned me that this girl can get like this sometimes, and now that I've experienced it first hand, I now believe them, and wondered how many times she's done this to me before. Maybe the party was a surprise. Maybe it wasn't. But if I were to go off of the assumption that it wasn't, everything makes sense. I was texting her that day around 11am asking what exit her house was off of 93 south, and that's when she told me she was going to the cape. So even if she didn't know what exactly was awaiting at the Cape, wouldn't the thought of it being slightly wrong to cancel on me after planning to hang out with me for a week cross her mind at some point? Rhetorical question, I know. Evidently, she thought nothing of this and decided to be a douche. This, just like every layer to my clusterfuck of a life, is causing my hope in humanity to only diminish faster. And that's not say that I've never lied to anyone before, but still. I didn't lie here. And I'm definitely not lying when I say this: it's going to take some time for me to cool off about what she did to me. There's nothing like disloyalty, eh?

I flipped out on my Dad today too. For really no reason either. I'm just so sick of him constantly criticizing everything that I do. No matter how hard I try, nothing ever makes him proud of me anymore. He's a vessel for non-emotion, and he doesn't give a flying fuck about anything. Yes, I know you're stressed about paying for my college education. But it's not like I didn't save you $92,000. Or that I'm not paying off my student loans. I mean, jesus fucking christ. Get a grip, and shut the fuck up about my life. It's mine, not yours.

I have the day off tomorrow, working on Saturday, and then going straight to Tracy's graduation party afterwards. Should be fun, I haven't been drunk in quite some time now.
 
 
Current Location: home.
Current Mood: pissed offpissed off
Current Music: Mcfly.
 
 
Bip 4 1 4
Well, I'm still sick. In fact, I've been sick. For the past two months. Whether it be a mild, moderate, or severe sore throat, a cough, fever, or all three, I'm just plain sick of being sick. It's weird, because sometimes I forget about it, but then I go and swallow a drink or eat some food, and I'm reminded of it. My mom has an infected tonsil, so I'm praying to whatever God there is up there that I don't as well.

I'm happy to report that the Manchester Starbucks is holding up quite well for me. I'm slowly becoming more comfortable with the people who work there; Brittany, Katie, Danielle, Dwayne, Dawn and Mike being my favorites. And those are a lot, from the beginning anyway. I went back to North Andover to work on Monday for Jane, and can I just say...WOW, it was busy. Manchester doesn't have a high customer volume in the store itself because it has a drive thru, but North Andover most certainly does. Melissa had me on bar for most of the day, and I almost died because I wasn't used to the rushes we usually get. OH, and Julian came in. The bastard. In his stupid fucking tie and suit. But shit, son. He looked good. Irregardless, I still miss everyone in North Andover so much. With the exception of Kenny. That kid makes me want to scream. I've been searching for months and months now for one good quality in him. Ok, yes. He's a nice kid and he means well. But WHATEVER. I've narrowed it down: he reaches stuff for me that are high in the shelves of the store. I call him giraffe. He calls me queen...for "bar" queen. And since my name is "Elizabeth", I guess the name is suiting. He came up with that stupid dumbass connection, not me. I don't have any personal vendetta against him, per se, it's just that he's the type of person that doesn't particularly think before he says anything. Which can get tiring, because I'm constantly either trying to ignore what he's saying or resisting to urge to slap him. Prime example? Monday, he cracks a "joke". I put that very delicately in quotation marks, because I didn't find it in the slightest bit funny at all.
"Hey Liz, what's the difference between a Jew and pizza?"
"*sigh*, I don't know Kenny, what?"
"Pizza doesn't scream in the oven." *chortle, chortle, snort, snort*

....

Let me just say this right now. Nichole, Kel and I are very racist, but with boundaries. And I usually have a pretty broad sense of humor with most people. But I think the problem with this situation is that I despise Kenny, so any attempt at shits and giggles ploys he tried to pull on me were bound to fail. And I also don't think I would have found this joke funny even if one of my closest friends said it. There are just certain things one should keep to themselves in public, and Kenny obviously has little to no grasp onto that concept.

On another note, Meesh and I are friends again. She came over to my house the other night, and we ended up talking for about two hours, just catching each other up on our lives from the past two and a half months. I distinctly remember telling Nic and Kel that I was better off not being her friend, but at the same time, she isn't a bad person either. I've never been one to like having enemies, and I tend to like to stay in contact with people who I've been friends with for quite a while. In the case of Michelle, I've known her since my sophomore year in high school. The funny part is, when she got mad at me for hanging out with Jay and Matt, all I could see were her bitter and cynical rantings. But now that me and Jay have been broken up for a month, I realized that I've only known the him and Matt for four months, and I've known Michelle four years. Once I establish valuable friendships, it takes a lot for me to think that they are invaluable. The fight we had was petulant, unnecessary, (and started by her nonetheless), but I'm glad to have it behind us. The truth is, I missed her a lot. Her and I have had some amazing times together, and she's been through a lot. In a lot of ways, I admire her for getting her life together the way that she has, paying for college all by herself, holding two or three jobs year round, and going to college. In fact, she graduates tomorrow. I'm so proud of her. It's nice having her back in my life.
 
 
Current Location: home.
Current Mood: sicksick
Current Music: my coughing?
 
 
Bip 4 1 4
14 May 2008 @ 10:49 am
I woke up today with an entirely new perspective on the things in my life. First off, I've determined that having a livejournal will help me immensely in venting and getting my feelings out. Afterall, writing has always been a way for me of doing that, and it's a hell of lot less effort than writing it on paper. I'm lazy, I guess. As for the changed perspective, Nichole definitely helped me come to this conclusion---what in the HELL was I thinking? Jay was a mistake from the very beginning. We all dream of our Prince Charming to come and sweep us off our feet, but I think that from a very early age, we are conditioned to think that nice, selfless men actually exist in this twisted, fucked up world. No matter how hard I want to believe it, I know that this isn't true. This doesn't make me a pessimist; because believe me, I have plenty of other things in my life to be pessimistic about; but rather, a realist. I've made so many mistakes with guys, hoping, PRAYING that they would see me for what I really am, accept all that I am, and still like me anyway. But it hasn't ever happened that way. I am the type of person that will only put up with something so much. I experience things for what they really are, and I learn from them, no matter how long it takes me to realize the lesson. But after that lesson is learned, I shut myself off completely to any new experiences. In the case of dating, this translates to: I'm obviously too complicated as a person, and as such, dating is not meant for me. I already bring too much to the table myself. In a way, I feel that every situation I've encountered with a guy has been mutual at first; we can't stop thinking about one another. But then something happens, whether it be my fault or his. Either I flip out at him for something stupid, or he doesn't call a few times when he says he will. I've taken a piece of every guy with me, and allowed them to shape my current perspective on life. In a way, it's helped, in others, it's only shriveled up my hope of humanity faster. I'm caught in the middle of it all. And I don't know what to think anymore.

In the case of Jay, he was what I saw as someone different from every guy I've ever liked. He stood out from Jason, Julian, and Steve. He helped me to forget them. There are days when I remember the best that he made me feel, then there are days when all I can focus on is the bad, the last few weeks that we were together and barely talked. Things ended so quickly with us, that this has yet to give me any hope to place in any future relationships, if any. That 'flame' between us was blown out so quickly, I no longer believe in it ever being lit again. I guess one of my biggest mistakes with him was when I told him I thought I was falling for him. But then again, I don't see the problem with that. He was the one that wanted us to be completely honest with each other; "it's the only way relationships work", as he said. So what's wrong with me saying what I did? Were there certain boundaries on that statement that went unsaid, boundaries that I wasn't allowed to cross? That always seemed to be the problem with us. It was perfectly fine for him to put that he was in a relationship on facebook, but not even notify me that he had done that; it was perfectly fine for him to put me in his interests on facebook; these two things could, by general consensus, be categorized as SOMEWHAT forward for the early stages of a relationship. But because Jay did it, it was ok, right? But the minute I open up to him and tell him that he's made me happier than I've been in a really long time, that's crossing the line!? So while someone may argue that what I said may have been too soon in the relationship, maybe they should re-examine what Jay did in the first few DAYS of us being official. I still can't figure it all out. He claims that right now wasn't a good time for him to be a relationship, and as much as he tells me it has nothing to do with me, I have no choice but to not believe him.

There are days when I cry all day inside. I hate thinking about him all the time. I know I'm a bigger person than that. I've had my heart broken before, it's not like I'm not used to it. But for some reason, this time is different, and every fiber of my being is wishing that it wasn't, because then I could just move on, and forget about him all together. Maybe compartmentalizing my life little by little can help ease this pain that I'm feeling. But then again, I overthink things way too much anyway.

On a lighter note, I'm still on my break from work. I started at the Manchester Starbucks on Monday, and don't have to go back until Friday. Everyone seems really nice there, unlike the Woburn location. As a result, I've been cleaning, sleeping, cleaning, sleeping, and occasionally eating...mostly out of boredom. Ok, eating a lot. Nichole will know what I'm talking about. I miss everyone at my Starbucks so much already, and hopefully I can still work there 2-3 days a week. Lisa said that she would put me on the schedule, which is a good thing I suppose.

I still owe my parents around $522 dollars, and then T-Mobile $200 for canceling my contract early, plus my first month's bill for Verizon. Needless to say, I'm a little stressed.

I'm trying to think of what I can make the family for dinner tonight. Hopefully I come up with something.
 
 
Bip 4 1 4
13 May 2008 @ 11:37 pm
Can't say that I've wasted my time on one of these things for quite a while, but seeing as I'm dying of boredom from summer already, I figured it wouldn't really hurt all that much. School got out for me last Thursday, and I'm officially a junior at Merrimack College now. In a way, it's so of surreal for me as to how fast time has really gone by, and all the lessons that I've learned from being there have certainly been a part of that whirlwind.  All of a sudden, it seems that I have to grow up and get on my own two feet. Some would say that's the smart thing to do, seeing as I'm graduating in two years. People have come and gone, and others who I have grown severely close to have taken their place, for which I am extremely grateful. I've determined that I'm perfectly content with having a few close friends that I know I can trust 100% of the time, rather than have dozens of acquaintances. I'm still working at Starbucks, and I recently transferred to the Manchester, NH location from North Andover, MA for the summer for the sake of gas. Good god, gas prices nowadays make me nauseous. I've been single for almost a month now, and surprisingly, I'm liking it. That's not to say that I'm still not hurting from my most recent relationship, but it's definitely getting better. I've learned that not a lot of people can be trusted, especially from the words that they tell you. I guess the part of it all that confuses me the most is when someone actually has the nerve to look you in the eye, tell you everything is alright and completely lie to you when doing so. I can't read minds, and I'm pretty sure that no one else on the face of the planet can either, but if I could, I would have run from him a long time ago if I had known he had intended to end things with me that way. But boo hoo, enough of my whining. The family is doing well, my brother is being evasive, as always. I worry about him sometimes, when he spends hours upon hours locked up in his room. I can see that he's going through the same high school experience that I had to deal with, and it kills me inside, because I want to tell him that I understand, but I just don't think that he'd believe me or even bother to listen. He has been coming out of his shell recently though, and that gives me some sort of comfort. Zoie, one of my youngest cousins, is due to come back to New Hampshire from Florida in early June, and I can't wait to see her. She's one of the only four family members out of both sides of my extended families that I actually can tolerate. Her father, Steve, is still screwing up his life, as usual, with alcohol to help him along the way. I almost socked him in the face the last time I was over my grandma's house,; he was so shattered he couldn't even stand up, let alone speak. I want  to scream at him, and let him know how much he's ruining his life, and our family's as well. Sometimes I feel more like an adult than he is. Mom is doing fine, and Dad is caught up in work, as always. They seem to have both changed quite a bit since the last summer that I was home, but I can't quite figure out why. I'm also making a conscious effort to quit smoking cigarettes. When I'm at home, I smoke a lot less, mostly because my parents don't approve at all. I'm not delusional in thinking the damn things are good for me, and I can't quite explain why I do smoke at all, but I guess all that matters right now is that I'm trying to stop. I want something exciting to happen in my life this summer, but I know that might be wishful thinking at this point. But it never hurts to hope. I already miss everyone in North Andover. 
 
 
Current Mood: pensivepensive
Current Music: Three Days Grace